“Maria, you are still sleeping!”, my roommate exclaims as she walks in. I open my eyes and jump out of bed. Giving her a hug, I run to the door. I’ve been waiting for them all day… for him, actually. That’s when I stop short, and turn to the mirror. Staring into the reflection of my eyes, I chastise myself, “What are you doing?! You can’t be enslaved by your emotions! You know none of this is for you. Don’t you dare tarnish the treasure of this friendship”. My smile turns forced as I leave the room.
I greet them all, desperately trying to internalise the aura of bliss surrounding me. I’m hanging onto every word they say, laughing at every jest and jibe, making an effort not to look around for him… yet, at one weak moment, when my senses elude me I steal a glance at the doorway, where he appears. His startled jerk when he sees me is covered by a laugh as he says, “You scared me”, reaching for a hug I inevitably return. As I feel myself melting in the warmth of his embrace, I tell myself that I must be rigid, frigid, and gelid. I tell myself that nothing can make me falter, not even the love I can’t deny I have for him. Interrupting my angry monologue, he pulls away and says, “I missed you”.
It’s the honey baritone of his voice that defeats the growing bitterness inside me. It’s as though his voice is a hypnotic fragrance, and I lose control and say, “I missed you, too”.
His face lights up as he smiles at me, his illumination spilling into every crevice of my desolate heart. In an instant, this light seems to have overcome the darkness I’d created around myself, and I want to take the plunge again. The plunge into emotions I know we both feel… emotions I’d vowed never to feel again, and so while I try to resist as best as I can, my efforts turn futile as the urge to hold back is trounced in the safety of his arms. That’s when I try harder to break free of his unnerving embrace, but he pulls me in closer, and as if sensing my struggle, whispers, “Let go of this fear”.
So I do. I don’t feel my walls as they crumble because the warmth of his luminosity floods my veins, reviving me… bringing me back to life. I let myself get carried away, and all at once, I feel alive again. The thought of drowning in this tide of feeling crosses my mind again, but his hold on me is the anchor that’s keeping me afloat.